Rocket Log

Quote of the Day - Debt Ceiling Chicken

Yes, at some level it’s a game of chicken. Something we can all understand pretty intuitively in human nature and game theory terms. But to really get what’s really going on you’ve got to understand one key point: one of the two cars doesn’t have a driver in it.

Josh Marshall, on media coverage of the debt ceiling debate, via Talking Points Memo

How to Win a Holiday Argument

First of all, I should say that if you’re looking for real advice instead of a sarcastic rant, Slate’s brilliant John Dickerson already nailed this one. So for that, go there. But for the rant:

Here’s a little blurb where NPR tries to be helpful by providing a list of books to help you win political arguments with your insane relatives over the holidays. Yes, really.

“When your uncle starts to explain his long-held conspiracy theory about how the government is trying to control our minds through subliminal messages on television, you can either slink away and take comfort in football — or, with the help of six authors, impress your family by being prepared for any news-related argument. […]

We can’t guarantee these books will help you convince your cousin that every American election is not, in fact, rigged by the Federal Reserve and the Trilateral Commission — but you’ll definitely sound smarter trying.”

I know this is tongue-in-cheek, but it’s still ridiculous. A stack of books, NPR? That’s the best you’ve got? Well, great. You realize it’s already mid-December, right? So when are these supposed to help me win arguments, Christmas 2011? And really, isn’t this is such a typical liberal response? “Hey, you want to win an argument with your conspiracy theorist uncle? Here, read a bunch of books! Yeah, that’ll get ‘em!” No, no, no.

Three things:

• Look, while books are great and all, they don’t win political arguments with confrontational relatives. But stubbornly repeated talking points do. So why not let the pros do the thinking for you? Watch cable news for 30 minutes and you’ll have everything you need to dominate the dinner table like a grade A asshole. “But I’m a lefty, I don’t watch Fox News,” you say? Bullshit. Democrats have talking points, too. Get yours ready and cling to them like a life preserver in a typhoon. Eventually you’ll wear your opponent down through sheer ignorant tenacity. Just like the pros do.

• If that doesn’t work, start citing statistics. If you don’t have any, no big whoop — just make some shit up approximate. Don’t worry, it’s scientifically proven that 92% of all statistics cited during holiday arguments are never checked for accuracy. Oh, you want a link for that? I’m not talking about blog posts, pal, I’m talking about shouting your way through a nog-fueled argument with your libertarian brother-in-law. Do you want to be accurate, or do you want to win? It’s a rhetorical question. You want to win. Make some shit up Approximate.

• On a related note, and perhaps most importantly, don’t forget to holler your goddamned head off. In addition to the statistic I just cited above, it’s also proven that screaming at the top of your lungs makes any statement 57% more true. THIS IS A FACT!!! And angrily stabbing your finger towards someone’s face while doing it ADDS! ANOTHER! 14%!

So there you go. That’s how you win a family political argument over the holidays. Or maybe I should say “win,” because of course the only way to really win one of these without looking like a jackass is not to get into one in the first place. But if you’re going to insist, well, thanks to this post, you now have all the tools you need to succeed.

Good luck, and Happy Holidays!